The Darkness Calling
by StewedHayBits
Summary: Cappy is sucked into another dimension where a horde of evil hamsters awaits him. Will he make his way out, or will he lose everything he's ever loved? Slight HxB.
1. The Darkness Calling

Disclaimer: This is for fun. I do not own Hamtaro.

EDIT: For those of you who do not have the mental ability to grasp that this is a parody fic, well, here you go.

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The ham-hams were hanging out in the clubhouse one day, doing their usual mish-mash of activities. Hamtaro was being brain-dead. Bijou was adjusting her ribbons in a manly fashion. Oxnard was continuing the quest for diabetes. Boss was investing in the stock market. Maxwell was busy stretching his head out to unusual proportions in a machine built by Panda, who was stoned. Stan was a sk8erboi. Sandy was now mysteriously hispanic and a sk8ergurrrl. Pashmina was nunning the hell out of everyone, literally. Penelope was watching the tube. Not the television, just a tube. Dexter was definitely not gay. Howdy wanted a gender change so he switched over to Boss' gender, leaving him still a male. MEANWHILE, Cappy was trying on some hats and got lost in a wormhole inside one of his caps leading to an alternate dimension. There was a large castle with evil clouds and a monochromatic rainbow. One star shone above it. Cappy ventured inside.

IT WAS A BAD DECISION. Bad hamsters walked all around. They had fangs for teeth and one even had fangs FOR EYES. They looked wolf-like and cat-like at the same time. Cappy walked ahead and saw the king of all these bad hamsters. His name was Lord Ky'rel'te-ej. He was twice the size of a normal hamster, looked like a wolf and a cat, and had shining black fur. His had large white fangs that scared the shit out of Cappy. His glowing eyes changed colors with his mood, and now they were red. He was very angry that Cappy was here.

"GET OUT!!" he yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" Cappy shivered.

"I fell into a wormhole in my hat and got transported into this dimension!" Cappy said. Lord Ky'rel'te'ej was not impressed.

"HATS? I HATE HATS. HATE THOSE GODDAMN HATS. I will BANISH YOU from our land and PUT A curse on ALL the HAMSTERS in YOUR clubhouse!" Cappy winced at his lack of discretion for which words he emphasized.

POOF he was transported back to the front door of the clubhouse. It was stormy and scary. Stuff was flying everywhere. It lightninged. BOOM. Cappy was scared. He ran inside.

But he didn't realize he was being followed by a wolf-like hamster! The hamster carried a large shield and a sword and had markings like Oxnard but a tail like Sandy but it was blue. Cappy was shocked by the intruder and ran even harder. The stranger yelled "Halt!" Cappy stopped.

"I am Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne, the wife of Lord Ky'rel'te'ej. You may call me "master"."

"But you're not my master! Wut." said Cappy surprisedly.

"Lord Ky'rel'te'ej doesn't like hats. He has sent our team of headwear exterminators to remove this land of all hatlike objects." said Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne.

"You'll have to go through me first!" said Cappy.

"I don't like your tone of voice, young man!" and her eyes glowed red and her sword made a 'shing' noise and she stabbed him through the liver. He coughed up blood and died. She left his body to be found by the ham-hams.

"Muahaha, now our people will rule the land! No more covering of heads!" And she cast a dark spell that locked the door to the outside. "The Hat Exterminators ... our acronym shall be T.H.E!!" And thus the T.H.E. was going to start their world conquest.

BUT NO! Boss heard the commotion in the hallway. He ran outside. "Noooo! What have you done to Cappy?" he cried. The other ham-hams came outside and cried too.

"He is was being stubborn so I killed him!" Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne explained. Her blue tail glowed.

"Sounds reasonable enough," Howdy said.

And Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne cast a dark, evil spell again that made the tree around them (they were in the tunnel) disintegrate and they found themselves back into the land where Cappy had wormholed to. The ham-hams were adorned in huge armor. The had big swords that glowed with the elements they had. Dexter's sword glowed rainbow. On the opposite side were the hamster-wolf-cats wwho had black armor and big swords also. A large dragon was behind them and its fire lit up the sky.

"TO ARMS, MY MEN (and ladies)" Boss yelled. "TO WAR WITH THEM, TO THE BATTLEFIELD, FOR THEIR IS NO GREATER GLORY, NO GREATER HONOR THAN LOSING ONE'S LIFE TO VICTORY OVER THE T.H.E.!" No one agreed with him at all. But they charged anyway. It was a huge battle and hamsters were bleeding and coughing up blood and being decapitated. Then, Hamtaro the hero rushed into the fray. Retarded as ever, he yelled "HURRDURR" before annihilating every opponent. Finally, the ham-hams won. No one was hurt. Queen Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne was devastated and Lord Ky'rel'te'ej was dead. There would still be hats for all. Every cheered for Hamtaro.

"Oh Hamtaro, you saved us! Thank you so much!" Bijou fawned.

"HURP DERP"

The ham-hams returned to the clubhouse like nothing had happened at all. Cappy was resurrected. They went back to doing their normal activities.

And Curtis puked blood. And his liver.


	2. Alternate Ending

~ALTERNATE ENDING~

Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne visited Cappy after the war was over. "Cappy ... I'm sorry for everything. I don't hate hats. Really. Can I make it up to you?"

Cappy nodded. "Sure, how so?"

Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne blushed. "Can we ... cook in the kitchen together?" Cappy became very excited for this. Suddenly they became human sized, but still hamsters, in a human-sized kitchen.

Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne bent over and looked into the fridge. There, she revealed a beautiful turkey sandwich. Cappy saw the nice folds of the turkey breast and the creamy ranch dripping down the side. It looked amazing.

"Mmm, looks good, mind if I have a little taste?" Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne let him have it. Cappy rubbed the sandwich with one paw and lapped up the dressing with his tongue. His tongue flicked at the turkey. It was now wet with Cappy's saliva. Finally, he looked back up at Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne. "Want anything else?"

Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne pondered for a moment. "You know what? I think a cucumber would go great with this. Can you get me one?"

Cappy looked over at the counter. "Ahh, here we go." He grabbed the only cucumber. "This one's a bit hard, you still want it?"

She nodded. "Wait, it doesn't look quite ready yet." She put the cucumber in her mouth and slowly sucked, getting all of the dirt off. She sucked it dry. Then she washed it off in the sink. "I think this cucumber is just fine the way it is, let's not slice it. Uncut is my preference." She handed the cucumber back to Cappy. He placed the tip next to the folds of turkey visible "Ready when you are."

Cappy plunged the long object into the sandwich. Seeing this really felt satisfying, as the cucumber and the sandwich became one. He pulled out and slid it in again. And again. Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne giggled. "Ahh, you're so good! Ohh!" The cucumber became slick with the dressing. Finally, Cappy had to stop when mayonnaise was coming out of the other end of the sandwich.

"Oops, I've made a mess!" Cappy fretted.

"No worries, I like mayo! Quick, spread it all over my face!" Mi'ka Kaw'aii-eh'tsu-ne cried. Cappy took the cucumber and slid it all over her face, leaving white streaks everywhere. She licked it up and felt satisfied.

"That was the most amazing sandwich making experience ever!" Cappy said to her. "Let's have sex!"


End file.
